I have started a new blog on Tumblr all about positivity.

I'm still way uncertain of my path, but I realized lately that being negative and letting myself think badly isn't getting me anywhere.

But do you know how hard it is to stay positive in 100 degree heat coupled with humidity?  x_x;;;

Still, it's a good thing.  

I've also decided to take weight loss seriously.  Changing eating habits to eating better, and taking daily walks.  If I can be determined enough to wash my face twice a day and put medication and moisturizer on it twice a day to rid it of painful adult acne, I can do this.  

One site that has inspired all this has been Nerd Fitness.  It was where Mr. Tam and I discovered the advice on how to travel super-cheap, but just recently I realized "Hey, it might also have some advice on weight loss!"

The reason I'm starting this is that, since I've been married, I've gained a shameful amount of weight.  This isn't low self-esteem talking; I have been lethargic, and coupled that with eating chips and drinking sodas.

I can't keep doing that, and expect to get healthy.  Something MUST change!

I don't want to be a stick figure, mind you; I just want a decent body back!  My first step towards a better body started last summer when I got a much-needed breast reduction.  It's going to go further this summer by actually caring about my physical state, and admitting that it's more closely tied to my attitude and emotions than any of us would like to admit.

Anyways, just a little update.  I've written some new things I may clean up and post soon, but we'll see.

Hope all of you are doing FANTASTIC!

~Lady Tam~

P. S.  I've noticed that dA is pretty much the only site on the web that doesn't offer to instantly link to Facebook or Twitter.  That's kind of nice!    (Of course, now that I mention it, watch it pop up and be a thing tomorrow!)

I need to post something other than morose poetry that I write on the fly whenever I feel down.

Any suggestions/requests?  

~Lady Tam~

I just realized I can organize my favorites into different collections...which would be the point of "collections" in the first place!  :silly:

On the other hand, I seem to have forgotten how to make faces on dA.  If anyone could help me out, I'd be ever so grateful!  

~Lady Tam~

Welp, it turns out I'm a massive idiot.  

The person who left that message I was all hot about earlier was kidding; they're a friend from Gaia Online.  x_x;;;

Color me red, because that's what I am.  From shame and embarrassment.

I'm sorry ~TankGirlComicFan!!  I'm an idiot.  x_x;;;  You're super-cool!!  

As an added bonus, I cleared off the other girl who was on my "ignore" list.  I'm still going to be wary of her, though.  THAT chick had a few problems.

~Lady Tam~

One would think that, on the weekends, I would have plenty of time to read through and comment on poems and what-not.

That's not how it usually plays out.

That being said, let's get right down to the nitty-gritty.  The GOOD news is that I FINALLY acquired a scanner!  Two, in fact.  One of which will be returned quite shortly.

Quite simply, folks, one must LOOK for cords if one is to FIND cords.  And that's all the hint you shall get!  

Some other GOOD news is actually based on what I consider BAD news.  Between the <a href=>[link]">hella-bad weather in my state lately, and recently learning of Osama bin Laden's death, I've written a new poem.  

I have nothing to say about it except that it simply had to be done.  I may go back and edit it a bit here and there, but on the whole I feel it conveys my feelings rather well.

Anyways, hope all of you are safe, snug, and that all your loved ones are likewise!  If you are not, just know that I and others are pulling for you.  *hugs*

~Lady Tam~

There has been far too much natural devastation lately.  

Between the horrific local weather, one of my favorite niche celebrities losing their home, and another on the edge of losing her sanity, I can't help but wish there was more I could do.

Clearly, Mother Nature isn't happy this spring.  This was clear from the beginning when she ripped Japan's coast apart.  

If you can, don't hesitate to help ANYONE who has been hit hard by Devastation lately.  

Helping so many is overwhelming for one person, so let's work together to help as many others as possible!

~Lady Tam~

Well, I just blocked my first person on deviantART.  Ever.

I'm not sure if kids these days have just gotten more sensitive, or if they have gotten ruder, or a combination of both.  Either way, the "poet" I offended yesterday was not interested in a peaceful reconciliation, even after I offered a sincere apology.

At least this gave me the chance to flesh out my thoughts on what she wrote, and explain them a little better.  If she still wants to be offended, then I guess there's nothing I can do about that.

I don't think, in over seven years of being on DeviantART, with this account AND ~china-lizard, that I have EVER felt the need to block someone before.  It gives me something of a sick feeling to have to do it HERE of all places!

On Gaia, I put forum trolls on my ignore list all the time, and think nothing of it.  I have no wish to discuss crass things with crass people.

But dA has always been a safe space for me...a place to express opinions without threat.

What's worse, I don't even know what I did wrong.  To explain:  Her poem was about depression.  From the poem, I felt that she wasn't really describing depression, and I said so.  I felt that the narrator was perhaps misdiagnosed.

This was apparently The Wrong Thing To Say.  Apparently, telling someone that a diagnosis may be wrong is the equivalent of calling them something very, very rude.

What I SHOULD have said, which I -did- end up saying eventually, was something similar to this:  To me, "Depression" is a long-lasting sadness that numbs you, inside and out.  It's not about being angry.  It's about being so sad and unhappy that you can't stand the thought of living.

I've been there.  It's a terrible thing.  But being angry at your parents [which is something she included, and which I actually agree with in a roundabout way], isn't always a part of that...but more because Anger isn't a part of depression period.

If you feel angryall the time, that's a completely different disorder.  I have that too.  If you are angry, you are NOT depressed.  Unhappy, yes.  Suffering from other possible disorders, probably.  But not depressed.

From my experience with the truly depressed, suicidal thoughts and the desire for self-harm are VERY common.  I'm not saying one needs to be suicidal in order to be depressed, but I can definitely understand the temptation.  

I guess my point is this:  While I agreed with her poem in a roundabout way, it was more because I don't fully feel what she described was depression specifically.  More like melancholy, possibly due to current uneventful circumstances.  [I know that when *I* get bored, I get ornery, angry, and frustrated, but not suicidal.  Thus why I'm delving back into the artistic world.  ]

The other thing she went off on me about was me saying "The narrator..." instead of "you".  I used "narrator" specifically because I did not know that the poem was about the author specifically.  It's common for folks to write poetry and prose that is meant to be from the point of view of someone else.

It's a common literary device, so I don't fully get why this particular poet was upset about that particular point.

Anyways, I hope all of this is over.  Whatever her difficulties are, I pray she is able to work them out, because it sucks going around and being angry at everyone who says anything less than glowing praise about you.  Not everyone is going to like everything one does; it's just the way of the world.

[I may write and upload a poem about this experience.  We'll see how the afternoon plays out.]

~Lady Tam~

Wow.  I just learned a lesson about poets.  Maybe a couple of them.  From the same situation.

The first is that being honest on dA can be dangerous, even when one is trying to be sensitive to the material.

The second is that, apparently, one must assume that the narrator in all poems is the actual author.  

The third is one I need to remind myself of as well as others:  Never post anything artistic on the Internet that you aren't willing to receive criticism about.

That third one is indirect, since I was the one leaving the criticism, but it's something I need to remember for myself as well.  If someone posts on one of my poems and says they don't like it, or don't get it, or that it sucks because it doesn't rhyme, I need to remember to NOT GET ANGRY.  It's obvious when someone is genuinely trying to help, and when they're just trollin'.  And if Gaia Online taught me anything, it's that arguing with, getting mad at, and throwing a fit towards trolls does no good.

That being said, I'm not a troll.  If I give a misguided critique, then I'll own up to it.  So, if the poet out there whom I offended is reading this, I want to truly apologize.  I meant no disrespect, but only to express confusion.  You have talent, and I hope you continue to use it to the best of your ability.  

~Lady Tam~

It really does.

If you don't have a driver for your 2300 series scanner/printers that is compatible with Windows 7, then just say so!  Don't drag my Beloved and I all over the Internet with empty promises of "This XP driver is compatible with Windows 7!"  This is a terrible, horrible lie.

Looks like I'll be waiting until Friday for a workable scanner.  >_<  

P. S.  If you're an artist dropping by to find out why I fav'd something hella old of yours, you should know that I'm updating my favs for this, my new account, from my old account, ~china-lizard.  

Needless to say, if I have added something old of yours, you can be rest assured that your piece(s) are standing the test of time, and are -still- inspiring to me.  

~Lady Tam~

Last night was apparently not the night to play with my "new" scanner.  

Lexmark's support & download site was down, and thus, I couldn't get to the necessary drivers.

Then, this morning I find out that China hates Easter.

If you've known me for a while, you'll know why this bothers me so deeply.  If you haven't, well...i can't get into it now.

I just do NOT understand that place sometimes.  Seriously..

~Lady Tam~

P. S.  In case anyone is wondering, I'm updating my fav list from my ~china-lizard account.  So if any of you come here wondering why some of your more ancient pieces are suddenly being faved, now you'll know.

I should be caught up now.  Have some good pieces in there.  

Now to go see if Lexmark has updated their site yet....

I need a plan for my writing.  I have a few story ideas that are all connected to each other, but they need to be more organized into things like "E7 Monday" and "Sci Fi Thursday", while throwing in a day to not worry about my writing and only read and critique others, "Critical Wednesday."

Yes, Wednesday HAS to be "Critique Day", the day where I catch up with others' writings both on dA and on various blogs I follow.  This is because Wednesdays are typically my least favorite days.  I used to think Mondays were bad, but no; on Mondays I'm happy, fresh, and ready to take on the week.  On Tuesday, I'm starting to feel the Grind, but am still riding off of a little Monday freshness.  By Wednesday, all freshness is gone, and I start feeling as if the work week will NEVER END!!!!  

So this is why Wednesday needs to be Critique Day.

In other news, I have taken up pencil and paper once again to try my hand at sketching again.  Besides wanting to do a comic, I feel that I was making progress...slowly but surely...when I stopped sketching before.  Sure, it wasn't exactly anything worthy of a Daily Deviation, but I still feel I was getting somewhere.  

Perhaps with a scanner, a Photoshop-like program, and some determination, I can at -least- make something I can be proud of.  There's a couple of pics I'd -love- to revisit, to make better, but we'll see; there's a certain amount of...embarrassment...attached for me to certain pictures of certain characters.  But, we'll see.

I'm going to endeavor not to upload anything that I'm not super-proud of, unless it's to scraps [or unless, for some weird reason, there's a high demand].

But, we'll see how it goes.

~Lady Tan~

Yesterday, my muse descended in a big way in regards to my fantasy stories; I felt I got a really great re-start on them in a way that makes far more sense than it did before.

In reading through my original stories on my Kindle, I'm beginning to realize how discordant and unorganized all the ideas are!  No wonder other people didn't want to read it; it literally makes no sense!

I don't say that in a "I totally suck" kind of way, but more of in a "Wow, I have a lot of work to do to improve these stories so folks can understand what's going on" kind of way.

As such, I've been pondering and pondering how to bring my stories together in ways that make sense.  Finally, I feel like I'm making some progress!

At this point, I don't know if publication is my goal, or if my goal is to simply to finish the stories period.  If, after I start making some headway, I feel that they should be published...I -will- publish them.  But, I feel that's a long ways off.

Today is going to be a busy Friday.  I get off at 12, and then will have a lot of chores to do when I get home before heading to church at 6:00 PM for a Sedar meal...which I've never had before.

I'm looking forward to it, but I don't know what it will entail, or how to dress for it.  I'll probably dress nice, just because that's my standard way of dressing for just about anything these days.  [I swear, Goth is the best thing that ever happened to me fashion-wise!]  

More about art:  After archiving all my old drawings into scraps on my old account, ~china-lizard, I've felt an urge to start drawing again.  Granted, my stuff wasn't super-spectacular, but I really feel that I was getting better when I stopped.

I can't say there was one solid reason why I stopped drawing; I'm sure it had to do with Grief.  But now, I want to start up again.  This weekend, I'll be getting a scanner from my MiL.  I had another idea for a webcomic [a real one this time], but it's going to be very different than what I did before.  A commentary on gaming and nerd-dom, as well as a voice for daily occurances.

I'm excited about it, but a little scared; I don't know how well-received it will be, and I'm terribly out of practice with drawing!  But, we'll see how it goes.

BTW, I'm constantly on the hunt for inspiration, so if anyone has anything they want to share, feel free to message me with it or leave a comment.  This past week I went to a lecture given by HENSE.  I thought his early work was amazing, but I just don't get modern art.  I'd rather see someone be expressive in a way that it's obvious to the common onlooker that it took some talent to do, rather than nondescript ink blobs that sounded way too complicated to make.

Some would say that means I'm not fancy enough to appreciate art, but I think that's just something folks trying to be way too artsy say to make themselves feel better about someone else's critique.

More on this later; tired of making words for now..

~Lady Tam~

I'm thinking of posting some of my poems, but I don't know; I'm so very paranoid about plaigarism.  x_x;;;

I've wanted to write, but I feel a block.  I feel like everyone's telling me to "start fresh", but I don't know how.

I don't even know if I want to, or if that's what I'm Supposed To Do.

I feel really discouraged lately.  Too many memories of the past keep invading my hope and visions for the future.

All I see is nothingness, and then death.

How depressing is that?

~Lady Tam~

It seems I have some catching up to do here.

As to why I left C. L., the long and short of it is that I think I've outgrown it.

This feels more at-home; going to C. L.'s house felt...weird.  As if I didn't belong there any more.  

I think I re-activated C. L.  because I felt there was still some unfinished business.  Taking my stories down was one thing.  Scrapping my original artwork was another.

I'm sure I'll go there occasionally, but perhaps not quite as often.  

I'm starting over for the millionth time, so I might as well start over again here.  

If anyone is confused or has questions, feel free to ask.

~Lady Tam~

Apparently, I'm bordering on the schizophrenic.

Upon realizing I have another dA account, do I close one and stick with another?  NO!!!  I proceed to have a conversation.  With myself.

Sometimes I miss role-playing.  I think it helped to exhaust a part of my mind that needs exercise very, very badly.

Only problem is, when one role-plays with others, one does not have total and complete control over what one writes.

Also, one such as myself runs the risk of seeing the fictional come to life, in some strange Twilight Zone-esque way.

So, like Stephen King said in one of his books during "The Dark Tower" series, "All talent wants is to be used."  Even if using that talent is ultimately a detriment to oneself, and society at large.

I don't want to be a detriment.  A plague.  A...vexation.

I want to use my powers for good, not for evil.

I have a couple of ideas on where that begins.  But I can tell you, I'm not in the least bit relaxed or certain about it.

~Lady Tam~

China, are you there?

China, I need you!

~Lady Tam~

Sorry for the gloomy journal post a couple of days ago; I was in a mood.  Fortunately, those ultra-depressed moods aren't -nearly- as deep and serious as they used to be.  ^_^

That being said, even though I wouldn't trade my Beloved for ANYTHING, I have bouts of "home sickness" where I miss my China life, or just miss travelling and being in a foreign Asian country period.  When I get in these bouts, -everything- seems dull and gray [though that may have been due more to the weather, since it -has- been dull and gray nearly all week].  Then the work day ends, I go to my stable home, complete with our hyper-active mutt Yuna [yes, she's named after -THAT- Yuna, the one from FF X], and I realize how much happier I am now than I was back then.

Ah, nostalgia gets me sometimes though; for some reason, I have it in my head that if I had just been more mature like I am now, or had had Paxil in my life like I do now, or had had my Beloved, or had fully realized and grown into my Goth side, or done or had a gazillion different other things back then, then maybe things would have gone a little smoother and I wouldn't have felt so unhappy.  

Worse yet, I have it in my head that, somehow and someway, I need to go back for yet another year and PROVE that I can "do it right".  That's screwy, I know, but I'm a screwy kind of gal.  XD

I'm not sure that will ever happen, though; while I'm quite sure that my Beloved would willingly follow me to the ends of the earth for vacation or travelling purposes, I doubt he'd be too keen on going to live overseas for any length of time.  

But, then again, things can change, and thus far, this love has been an -amazing- adventure.  My only regret in it is that we didn't meet ten years sooner.  

These were the kinds of thoughts that ran through my head on Tuesday, and were seriously bringing me down.  

Also, I was incredibly tired from not getting much rest the night before, and that -always- puts me in a less-than-ecstatic mood.  Yay for insomnia!  x_x;;;

~Lady Tam~

....I have a dA account.  

Wait...no...I have 2 dA accounts.

Why do I not come here as often?  Strange how things change like that.  I still remember naught but 4 years ago when this place was my lifeblood.  Now, I scarce remember to post a journal entry once a year, much less post any art any more.

Isn't life funny like that?  

~Lady Tam~

Hey folks!!  Long time, no see!!  XD  First things first:  Someone has sent me a gift off of my wishlist, and I do not know who this mystery person is.  Whoever you are, thank you; it's one of my favorite pics, and I will treasure it immensely!  ^__^  

But I would LOVE to thank you personally!!  [Also, I'm [i]DYING[/i] of curiosity to find out who sent it!  XD]

Other than that, I wanted to let you good folks know that I'm into my second month of marriage, and am loving it [i]immensely[/i]!!  I thought I'd be more stressed about it, but thus far, it's been -very- enjoyable.    I luffs my husband!!  

Anyways, enough of that sort of thing; I -do- have pics of the wedding, which I will put up shortly for any and all to appreciate.  

That's all I got for now.  MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!!!

~Lady Tam Li~

...I leap out of the shadows, to tackle deviantART once again!  

Ok, maybe not really, but it's a nice thought.  

Before I go into thoughts and announcements, I'd like to state the obvious, which is that over the past 3 or so years, my interest in dA has GREATLY declined.  There was a period of about a year or so when I was very enamored of dA, as I was very into role-playing and drawing, but the desire for both has all but disappeared.  I could give you a few guesses as to why this is, but in the end, I don't really think it matters.

These days, I enjoy browsing deviantART now and again, and feel perfectly content with browsing art rather than trying to make it.  I once said that I would be posting more stories, but even my desire to write has waned...

more later